Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
