If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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