I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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