Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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