The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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