The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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