Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
