My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
He passed out mid-signature
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
