they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
