There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
