1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
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