Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife š¬
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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