I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
