Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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