you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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