I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
