i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I don't deserve a penis
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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