I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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