So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
