he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
