just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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