I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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