You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
