Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
