remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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