I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
