3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
