I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
