The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
