I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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