Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
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