I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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