i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
i've created a new STD.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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