i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
