Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
