My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
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