How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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