I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
