i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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