I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
