Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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