i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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