This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
