Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
