oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize