I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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