Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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