It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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