I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
