we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
