Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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