The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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