Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
