My friends, they love my intelligence
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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