I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
