I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
