She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
