i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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