I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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