I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
