so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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