I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
